There are times that I think I can't really describe myself. I have so many different attitudes that it feels a little wrong to be so definitive. For example, I usually say that I'm a pretty positive person. I like to smile, laugh, love, and enjoy people. In the same breath, I find myself saying how annoying people are, losing my patience, taking everything too seriously, and wanting to YELL IN YOUR FACE!!! ARRRGGGGG! I can't be alone right? Doesn't everyone feel like a total liar when they express their satisfaction with all things "Life"?
So that brings me to tonight's lesson. I want to be able to love life and people and blessings and all that junk. I am inspired by so many people. I'm a champion for the ladies out there making history. All the time I'm cheering and shedding tears of joy for people I love, I also have that little snarky voice in the back of my mind secretly kicking them back down.
"You go girl!" I'll say to the girls breaking records on American Ninja Warrior. And the little voice says "But why the hell are you so bubbly and why did you pick that outfit to wear?" What's up with that? Seriously. I don't want to think such things. I'd much rather have the first voice be the only voice. Plus The Snark seems to negate all of the positive thoughts and feelings I have. It breeds guilt.
Maybe if bad attitudes weren't so contagious I could fight it harder. I mean I grew up in a home with a champion snark. I learned from the best!
The other day I was at the store. In a matter of seconds they went from no line at the checkout to about 4 people in line. When this happens it takes a minute to get another person on a register. The two cashiers were doing their best to hurry, but it took zero time at all for people in line to get edgy. The line begins splitting and snaking informally through the aisle which confuses everyone stepping up to the registers. A woman in front of me asks a man in front of her if all of the people to the side of him are in line. She asked with curiosity simply to determine where in line she should be. His reply went something like "Yeah we all are, does that work for you?" Whoa dude. No one had been rude to him so why was he being so blatantly belligerent to the other customer? Why is it ruining your life to stand in line a minute? It was a matter of 2 or 3 minutes before the cashier says "how can I help you today?" and he snaps "I guess I'd like to buy all this stuff." No shit? A string of rude comebacks designed to make a grown man cry start flying through my head. I wanted to get in his face and let him know what an ass he was being. Of course I think these thoughts and never act on them, I'm too wimpy. It also didn't hurt I was in my work clothes and didn't want to get fired for busting a guy's lip in the Staples. Doesn't stop my mean and awful Snark voice from having at it. The rest of the day I find myself short on patience with my own customers. I'm thinking "what an idiot" when talking with people who just have normal questions.
Fortunately I've come a little farther in the fight over the last couple of years. I am at the point where more and more I'm recognizing when the voice starts. I'm also feeling guilty when I hear it. Now how do I take the next step to stop it in the first place? How do I get to the point where I feel genuine instead of fake? Is there a way to be a genuinely positive person when it's not in your genes? I guess only time will tell. Here's hoping for more progress!
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