Today's Lesson: Stalker Snark

There are times that I think I can't really describe myself. I have so many different attitudes that it feels a little wrong to be so definitive. For example, I usually say that I'm a pretty positive person. I like to smile, laugh, love, and enjoy people. In the same breath, I find myself saying how annoying people are, losing my patience, taking everything too seriously, and wanting to YELL IN YOUR FACE!!! ARRRGGGGG! I can't be alone right? Doesn't everyone feel like a total liar when they express their satisfaction with all things "Life"?

So that brings me to tonight's lesson. I want to be able to love life and people and blessings and all that junk. I am inspired by so many people. I'm a champion for the ladies out there making history. All the time I'm cheering and shedding tears of joy for people I love, I also have that little snarky voice in the back of my mind secretly kicking them back down.

"You go girl!" I'll say to the girls breaking records on American Ninja Warrior. And the little voice says "But why the hell are you so bubbly and why did you pick that outfit to wear?" What's up with that? Seriously. I don't want to think such things. I'd much rather have the first voice be the only voice. Plus The Snark seems to negate all of the positive thoughts and feelings I have. It breeds guilt.

Maybe if bad attitudes weren't so contagious I could fight it harder. I mean I grew up in a home with a champion snark. I learned from the best!

The other day I was at the store. In a matter of seconds they went from no line at the checkout to about 4 people in line. When this happens it takes a minute to get another person on a register. The two cashiers were doing their best to hurry, but it took zero time at all for people in line to get edgy. The line begins splitting and snaking informally through the aisle which confuses everyone stepping up to the registers.  A woman in front of me asks a man in front of her if all of the people to the side of him are in line. She asked with curiosity simply to determine where in line she should be. His reply went something like "Yeah we all are, does that work for you?" Whoa dude. No one had been rude to him so why was he being so blatantly belligerent to the other customer? Why is it ruining your life to stand in line a minute? It was a matter of 2 or 3 minutes before the cashier says "how can I help you today?" and he snaps "I guess I'd like to buy all this stuff." No shit? A string of rude comebacks designed to make a grown man cry start flying through my head. I wanted to get in his face and let him know what an ass he was being. Of course I think these thoughts and never act on them, I'm too wimpy. It also didn't hurt I was in my work clothes and didn't want to get fired for busting a guy's lip in the Staples. Doesn't stop my mean and awful Snark voice from having at it. The rest of the day I find myself short on patience with my own customers. I'm thinking "what an idiot" when talking with people who just have normal questions.

Fortunately I've come a little farther in the fight over the last couple of years. I am at the point where more and more I'm recognizing when the voice starts. I'm also feeling guilty when I hear it. Now how do I take the next step to stop it in the first place? How do I get to the point where I feel genuine instead of fake? Is there a way to be a genuinely positive person when it's not in your genes? I guess only time will tell. Here's hoping for more progress!

Tonight's lesson: making friends will always be tough

Welcome to my crazy thoughts blog! I wanted a place I can get some thoughts out. Somewhere no one has heard of, yet, where I can spout off my life lessons and observations without fear of ruffling feathers. 

I feel as though I'm old enough now to have an honest clue about myself. There's no more trying to be who I'm not in order to fit in or to stand out. This is what brings me to tonight's lesson. 

I'm a middle I the road kind of gal. I like to get along with everyone and try to find some common ground but I also don't care to spend large amounts of energy developing new friendships with people I can't relate to. After many years I finally found a couple of friends who truly get me. We are each very different and yet our hearts are the same. Cheesy I know, but truly they are the best. I love them deeply and actually cried when my husband (then boyfriend) discussed my moving here because I'd be so far away. I now live a couple hours away and rarely get to see them these days. When I'm in town they're always happy to see me but I won't lie, it stings a little that they don't make more of an effort to visit me. It only stngs a little. I know how life gets and that each of them have their own challenges and everything else about them is so spectacular that I try not to let the distance factor get me down. 

Having such great friends makes it difficult for me to make new great friends in this far away town. I now know what an unconditionally accepting friendship looks like and I've become a bit of a friend snob. I want nothing less from the people I spend time with. As a result, I make a lot of acuaintances and hve a few people I'd even call friends, but no "good" friends. 

Tonight my husband and I went to movie night at "the heathen house". This was our first time meeting these people and neither of is really knew what to expect. My observations tell me It's a group of college kids who know they want to be different than the mainstream but are stillfinding  out how to accomplish it. Let's just say some of them are a little over the top. I get it, I've been there too. Many years ago. I just feel too old for that shit anymore. So while they were nice enough, I don't see any hope of connecting with them as friends. 

In this little town we've hung out with hicks, Mormons, and anti Mormons. We fit comfortably in with not a one of any them. It's tough for me sometimes but I know that my husband especially takes this hard. He's a quiet guy but still likes to socialize. We would love to have group of friends we can invite over for beers or camp with or go fishing with or watch movies with, etc etc.We just can't seem to find anyone quite like us up here. We aren't "for" or "against" anything. Except maybe that we're "for" getting along with everyone and "against" extremism and disrespect. 

That seems to leave us in between of all of the different groups up here. We are not a part of a church ward but we're not in any anti church groups either. I consider myself Christian but not of any particular denomination. Who knew this place would be so polarized? 

I do realize that there are very few places where people can mingle in large quantities so it cuts down on the number of opportunities one gets to meet new people. I'll be honest, I don't see any hope of making long lasting friends here. Depressing but true. 

It takes me back to my entire childhood. I rarely felt like someone's "best" friend and whenever I did it was somewhat short lived. I always thought that would change when I was an adult. People would realize how cool and nice and fun and entertaining I was and want to be around me. And then I'd get discovered at karaoke and be famous. Life has reminded me tonight that some things never change. Most nights I'm ok with that. But tonight...well it brings a lady down. 

Good night folks and if you have close friends near you, give them a great big hug for me. :)

-middle ground Molly